Lasting Love

Authored by Sherry Suib Cohen for Family Circle Magazine June 10, 2001

Mindy Farber and Frank Gennaro brough the silverware, put down a deposit on a nice little apartment is South Beach, Florida, was planned to invite 93 guests to their wedding. A month before the big day, they heard some enticing news. Florida had just passed a law offering a reduced fee for a marriage license if a couple took a premarital education course before exchanging vows. “Actually, it was not about the money”, says Mindy ruefully. We did it because I was nervous – we’d never had a serious discussion about the fact that I am Jewish and he’s Catholic. We both thought we could work out any little problems after the honeymoon, Right.?

FRaising their children as Catholics surfaced as a major issue between them, and they weren’t able to reconcile their differences.

Better to know now than later. Which is exactly the pointe of state-encouraged premarital education, says Diane Sollee, founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. (www.smartmarriages.com), an international information exchange to help couples locate marriage and relationship courses. “While a few people find out their partners are wrong for them. Most people pick up conflict resolution tools that can last a lifetime, said Sollee. “Marriage is a skill-based operation, yet we send an engaged couple out to there to win on love and commitment alone. That’s like asking a football team to win one for the Gipper without teaching them great plays and secret signals.

Sollee says that according to recent research, successful and divorcing couples have the same number of disagreements. The difference is how they fight, “Premarital education gives you an edge”, asserts Sollee, ”including the skills to fight without killing each other -or the marriage.

Although no good research yet exists to prove that government-funded education prevents divorce. I was curious to know what goes on in one of these courses. Here are my credentials: Larry and I have been happily married for over three decades, and this is no time to be modest-we know which advice is solid and which is not. Separate Vacations, for example are not great in a relationship-trust me.

As a first step, I go to the marriage license bureau in Palm Beach Florida, to get a list of hundreds of courses ranging from free to expensive (some over $400.00). The courses ranging from four hours to four months and include one-day or weekend programs. Some are offered by Clergy others are by trained nondenominational professionals, others by nonprofessionals trained and registered by the state.

I’m looking for a moderately priced course, and so, after a number of telephone interviews, I chose a nondenominational center called Successful Unions, Inc, in Deerfield Beach, Florida. It is run but Beth Cutler, M.S and Edward Houck, Ed.S , two licensed board-certified counselors. I liked the experience both have in conflict management. I also liked the reasonable fee: $40.00 per couple.

Beth, a delightfully energetic young woman welcomes Larry and me at the door and introduces us to Ed. Who , we’ll come to see, dispenses hard questions and solid advice from his wheel chair-which we quickly forget is there. We three engaged couples which we have been assured that I won’t divulge their real names.

There are Marilyn and David, both in their mid-30’s, who can’t keep their hands off each other. She’s a lawyer ,he’s a sports writer. They agree on everything, they say. Marilyn says she’ll take a break in her career when they have kids. David looks nervous. She also mentions she wants David to sign pre-nuptial agreement. Looking more nervous, he pulls his hand away.

There is Bill, 27 and Suzy 24, who live together and say they’re in love Bill also likes his Friday nights out with the guys. When he leaves the room briefly, Suzy merrily says: “Those Friday nights? That will change once we’re married”.

Finally , there is 42 -year-old Steve and his fiancé, Holly 30. Steve ‘s 11-year-old son, Bobby, from previous marriage, spends weekends with the couple. Holly says Bobby is rude and needs discipline; Steve murmurs that he hates to yell at Bobby. Holly sighs.

Fascinated, Larry and I sit back, taking it all in. ‘If we are in love with each other, why do I have to sign a pre-nup?”asks David. “Don’t you trust me?’” Marilyn says that she does but that she also has a lot more money saved up, and she needs to protect herself financially. She thinks they should have separate checking accounts too. David prefers to have one joint account. He says he is wishes she was more interested in having fun than in saving money. Marilyn counters saving is fun. It’s beginning to get tense.

Ed listens hard, then points out that each person can be firmly planted in a financial comfort zone while stretching to accommodate a partner.

Many newly-weds notes Ed, opt for separate accounts for personal expenses and a joint account for major household bills and vacations. When one partner has substantially more money than other, he continues prenups are often considered. They need to talk more about it but feeling differently isn’t all bad: Would you like to be married to an exact copy of yourself? Ed asks David.

The discussion veers off into how we deal with differences. Ed tells us that research by expert, John Gottman shows us four arguing behaviors that cause serious marital problems. Everyone becomes quiet.

He says the most dangerous one is stonewalling, refusing to discuss a problem by avoiding or putting off communication. The second most destructive arguing tactics, says Ed , is criticism, the kind the kind that attacks your partner’s personality or character (you’re selfish or lazy, etc.). Being attacked makes him defensive, which is another arguing trap. Self-serving phrases such as “It’s not my fault” or I never said I would”, tends to escalate arguments, Ed explains. Finally there’s showing contempt by sneering or rolling your eye, as if he were stupid or incompetent.

I wish I’d known earlier about stonewalling, as I used to be a master of it. I was lucky, thought: Larry followed me around insisting that we talk. Still. It would have helped to know what not to do.

Next we are given a booklet that describes “animal” ways of handling conflict: Sheep will go along with anything to make peace, for instance; sharks try to win at all costs. We enjoy examining out animal styles.

From there we move on to the rules for fighting fairly. First, we’re told, always attack the problem , not the person. We all agree that name calling/blaming/not listening/bring up stuff he did last year are unfair fighting techniques. Beth and Ed advise us to listen with an open mind, treat each other’s feelings with respect and cultivate empathy and take responsibility for our own actions.

“Here is the most important thing to remember, says Ed. “You can’t un-ring a bell once it was been rung”. If you every call someone a name, you can’t un-call it. Thinks before you lash out.

Beth asks Suzy if we may talk about her comment that she expects to change her fiancés Friday-nights-with the boy’s habit. Suzy agrees, My dad never ever went out at night without my mom, says Suzy, and I don’t think that Bill should either

:”What are you afraid of? Ed asks quietly. Suzy thinks, then says, I’d be afraid he was bored. Otherwise, he’d want to spend his time with me. “It is how the real world is? Asks Ed o the group. “is it possible to spend every free waking moment together? It is necessary?” We all check in with opinions. Suzy promises to think about it.

Finally, Holly and Steve discuss their inability to agree on discipline for Bobby Whatever Ed suggests, Steve rejects. The tips Beth throws out, Holly turns them down, The two main obdurate and seem unhappy about the child’s place in their lives.

Summing up. Ed says: We come to marriage thinking that out there is a perfect person for each of us- the yin is to my yang. Marriages may be made in heaven, but relationships are lived on earth, and none of us is perfect- so why not learn to use what we know works”?

Two weeks later Beth calls with an update: Two of the couples have called to say thank-you. The third couple, Holly and Steve, said they decided to postpone their wedding until they agree on how to deal with Steve’s son. Beth thought they’d made the right decision. I did too.

On the way home, Larry and I talk about what we heard. Most useful, we agree was the time spent learning how to argue and how to deal with the “speed bumps” of marriage, such as when the first child is born. Ed and Beth gave us many valuable skills that we may or may not use- but now, at least, we won them.

I come away convinced that it’s good to talk about what may happen before taking a huge step that will change your life. Any state that encourages such thinking is the state for me. And that’ my final word.