By Douglas Kalajian Palm Beach Post Staff Writer

What can you learn in four hours? Forget quantum mechanics. Same for sheep cloning and laparoscopic surgery IT takes some of us that long to find to on-off button on a new camcorder.

And that’s relatively easy stuff, all reducible to math and diagrams. Who could expect you to learn something that stumps half the people who devote much of their lives to trying. How to stay married?

Well, your state government thinks you can. Starting this year, a four-hour marriage course before they take the plunge gets residents a $32.50 discount on a marriage license. (You can skip the class and just pay the full $88.50).

Edward B.Houck 11 thinks so too, Houck and his partner in Successful Unions, Inc. Beth Cutler, were the first Palm Beach County mental health counselors to register under the new law and create a class that follows state guidelines.

Houck told their fist class right off why he accepted the challenge. “Marriage doesn’t have to be hard”, he said “Relationships can be easy”. He got skeptical looks from six mostly older, married-before students. But he rushed right toward the first most powerful lesson. “You can’t change people”, he said. With that, Houck offered about 90 percent of the course’s wisdom in the first ten minutes. Most everything followed into the category of elaboration. The gist; Happy marriages depends largely on each partner figuring out what the other does that’s most likely to provoke near homicidal rage-important things, like squeezing the toothpaste the wrong way-and then finding a solution. A good solution; Buying tow tubes of toothpaste. A bad solution Stern lectures aimed at changing your mate’s habits. Same goes for woman who expect their husband to stop playing golf or watching football and for men who expect their wives to become June Cleaver or Donna Reed. Same goes double for people who expect their mate to stop drinking, cheating or worse. “You can’t solve someone else’s problems, he explained.

What you can change is your reaction, Houck, who lives in Delray Beach, illustrated this by explaining the pacific pessimism that her allowed him to roll through life without anger since a broken back consigned him to a wheel chair 31 years ago, “I don’t expect things to go well” he said. ‘I’m delighted when they do”. (None of the students asked Houck, 50, if he had first hand experience, in marriage, but the answer is twice. One end in divorce, the other in death). Houck said he allows no one to make him angry, no matter how rude or provocative. He claims he can smile while driving Interstate 95 amused at how predictably other drivers live down to his expectations. “You learn not to take other people’s behavior personally,” He offered a hefty reading list of allusions to support his philosophy, from Ben Franklin to the Koran to self-help author Wayne Dyer, More than once he recalled Epictetus, stoic philosopher and slave who managed to keep up the good cheer while his aster twisted one of his legs until it snapped.

No one appeared to find this old blot on a picture of marital bliss. They seemed more interested in getting into little reinforcement, “I’ve had so many people ask me why we’re getting married”. And Ilyse Hyams of Boca Raton, who held hands for nearly the entire four hours with her intended, Patrick Anderson. Her answer is those ‘stupid people” is short and truly sweet. “We’re getting married because we’re in love.” But the 48-year-old hairdresser conceded that she was happy to get a supportive thumbs up from family members who have met Anderson in the three year plus since he moved in.

“He’s nothing like my first husband”, she announced proudly, He was even a good sport about putting up with the anger that she carried after the collapse of her 25-year marriage. Anderson, am English journalist, grinned and held on all the wile she talked about him. “I believe life should be fun, and we have an awful lot of fun, he said. Enough fun to urge him toward his first marriage at the age of 49.They both expressed confidence in their ability to sort out potential problem and agree on reasonable expectations, although they stumbled briefly when Houck brought up money management, (It doesn’t matter so much how finances are handled as both partners agree they can spend who is responsible for paying the bills). Houck cautioned that confidence has limits, Just over half of all marriages end in divorce, as the rate of second marriages is even higher. The difference between men and woman are always greater than they seem and compatibility while living together before predicts nothing. So, what if the marriage fails despite all the best efforts? “Divorce isn’t failure”, Houck said , nothing that Edison made hundreds of light bulbs before he got one to work properly,

Romance With Reacalism

There are some observations offered by Edward B. Houck 11, licensed mental halth counselor and family therapist, in a class that earns students a $32.50 discount a marriage license:

You can’t change people. So don’t marry a person whose habits aren’t tolerable.

Be clear on what each expects, whether it is about housework or money.

Fighting isn’t normal. Being respectful and polite are.

Take responsibility for your own emotions. Don’t blame your spouse for making you angry.

Guilt doesn’t work.

The only guarantee in any relationship comes from yourself: That you’ll be OK if it ends.