Palm Beach Post article by Doyle, Laura Fine

Desperate times call for desperate measures, says Beth Cutler of Successful Unions, Inc. Counseling Centers in Deerfield Beach. And with a divorce rate that predicts nearly half of all American marriages will fail, couples are searching for anything that can keep their family together.

They look bac to a time when people seemed more committed to their marriages, and want to duplicate that, Cutler says. Woman especially are concerned about failing. And if the old-fashioned way means wifely sacrifice and submission so, be it-it seems a viable solution.

The authors know their audience, Woman spend the most money and time on the latest self-help theories, says Hugh Leavell, a marriage and family therapist with offices in West Palm Beach and Jupiter They’re also more likely to go for professional help. (‘Men tend to invest themselves in other areas when they ‘re unhappy: sports, work, investments, yard work and screwing around, he says”).

Whether those marriages were made in the 60’s and 70’s may have scoffed at their parents’ lock step conformity, couples o the 80’s and 90’s crave a sense of security, Leaell says. So, any book offers women a blue print for making husbands happy is bound to get attention. Whether it works is another thing entirely.

Some books do, Leavell says, John Gray’s got a lot of important things to say” in his Men Are from Mars, Woman are from Venus books, Leavell says. He also suggests Phil McGraw’s Relationship Rescue. Harville Hendrix’’s Getting the Love You Want and David Schnarach Passionate Marriage.

Learning marriage or parenting from a book is a perfectly legitimate, Leavell says-it you’re a discriminating reader and student of human behavior.

“People who get a book, I admire them, he says.

Unfortunately, too often marriage advise books are written for people who have specific problems, says therapist Edward Houck, who with Cutler teaches premarital classes approved and recommended by the Palm Beach and Broward Counties. (The classes aren’t mandatory, but can mean a discount on the price of a marriage license). The self-help authors’ views can be biased, their focus narrow, he says, and though their books may be cathartic to write, they’re hardly helpful to the readers.

Change vs acceptance The secret to marital success, according to these women, is either to change or to give into the idea that the grass isn’t greener anywhere else, so deal with it. Houck prefers to focus on realistically accepting the one you’re with and learning to communicate effectively with that person as a partner The message is similar to that of Surrendering to Marriage, albeit a tad more enthusiastic.

In their premarital classes, he and Cutler talk about conflict resolution, factors that cause divorce, power and control and various problematic issues that come up during any marriage, such as financial decisions and dealing with children and in-laws. Unfortunately, Houck says, that couples usually come in after the Cormistakes have been made. They’re still waiting for the changes they thought would come with marriage instead of accepting that there are some things on which they never agree. “Most are still arguing the same old issues, he says.

Houck is a fan of John Gottman’s The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work. Gottman’s research found four arguing behaviors that cause problems for couples, stonewalling (refusing to talk about it)i ;criticism, (calling someone lazy or self-centered) getting defensive( denying all culpability or making reciprocal charges); and showing contempt( rolling the eyes or smirking).

Couples who co-exist happily still argue, Houck says but there is no shaming, damning or blaming and if you watch them m he adds you’ll notice that every two to three minutes they try to repair any damage that might have been done during the disagreement- they’ll crack a joke or a smile, or reach out and touch each other. They maintain their closeness.

No Preaching, please

Good friends with common goals make better spouses, the experts agree. Pre-marital classes offer a couple a chance to explore whether they have as much in common as they think. So do some books.

Corey Donaldon who is not a therapist but is a happy husband-put together more than 500 questions to ponder before in his new book, Don’t You Dare Get Married Until You Read This. “We wanted to get it right the first time “he says of his quest to uncover every possible pitfall before marrying his wife five years ago.

What started out a possible project became a brochure and finally a book. Donaldson and his wife, Phaidra, eventually asked 1,500 people about their experience with marriage, and condensed their answers into a quiz that allows perspective partners to explore their differences and predict the future,

The majority of divorce -causing dilemmas are already before the marriage, Donaldson says. But many couples don’t take the time to delve into topics as serious as religion or health problems-or even as light as using pet names or signaling their desire for sex.

“My book says both people need to take a look at all the issues before committing to each other for life,” Donaldson says.

It is not a unique approach, Although some preachier than others. There are compatibility quiz books available available , including Susan Adams, “The Marital-Compatibility Test. I prefer a book that stimulates discussion, he says. “That’s a better book than a book that tells you that you have to change ‘everything about yourself to be lovable”.

Cultivating Flexibility

Choosing acceptance over change doesn’t mean you have to stop working on the relationship, by the way, Marriage is about over change doesn’t mean you get to stop working on the relationship, by the way. Marriage is all about that continuing commitment to make room for two selves in one space, according to Leavell. Couples have to cultivate flexibility and there is more pressure on spouses to accept their differences than ever before, because of change in society.

A person is less likely t marry someone from the neighborhood or the same religion, And couples are more likely to more likely move away from old friends and family, Compromise has to be made. Sometimes as the years go by, couples have to reinvent themselves, Leavell says, “You either grow or stagnate. If you stagnate you are unahapp[.”

Houck agrees, Instead of following someone else’s blue print, couples should create their own marriage and set their own goals.

“There is no other marriage life yours.”